THE FACES
MARK ZUCKERBERG
A certified WMPF legend, Zucc is one of the icons that inspired the very term, "PUNCHABLE FACE." Everyone's favorite Robot-Lizard-wearing-human-skin, Mr. Zuckerbook has been failing to convince the world that he's "just like us" since 2004. Highlights of this non-human's utter lack of humanity include: harvesting the data of 87 million non-consenting Facebook users to serve them political ads and sensationalist bullshit (Cambridge Analytica) (1), knowing the detrimental impacts his platforms have on the mental health of children & teenagers and doing fuckall about it (2)... oh, and there was also the UN concluding that Facebook played a "determining role" in fueling a literal genocide against Rohingya Muslims in Myanmar - resulting in over 25,000 deaths and the displacement of over 740,000 more (3). Really puts the "Punchable" in Punchable Face(book).
CLAVICULAR
Clavicular is a terminally online biohazard who has fully earned his eligibility for WMPF 2026. His greatest hits include being the poster dumbass for looksmaxxing, where he would solidify his status as a genius innovator in pioneering the high-IQ technique of "bone smashing" - literally doing our job for us by hitting himself in the face with a hammer to "force jawline hypertrophy," a psychotic display of vanity that has no doubt sent a number of his most impressionable followers to the hospital. Clavicular doubles down on his positive influence by routinely stabbing himself and anyone else within a 10-foot radius with needles full of chemicals, explicitly promoting meth usage as "bio-hacking," and his most recent depraved escapades include a memecoin rug-pulling grift (fleecing the same hammer-smashed-face fanbase) and a rape allegation! For a face as punchable as this, you'd need a hammer-sized fist.
JARED KUSHNER
Jared Kushner is a corporate twerp of the highest order who, unfortunately for us, is somehow currently a top-level US dipshit. Er... diplomat, I mean. A genuine nepotistic parasite, his diagnosis of Punchable Face Disease (PFD) came around the time he was handed control of the White House pandemic response task force, where he weaponized life-saving medical supplies against political rivals and told governors that the federal stockpile belonged to "us," not the states. He's earned a spot in WMPF 2026 and also in Hell by brokering the Abraham Accords, turning Middle Eastern geopolitics into a real estate deal, and we can't leave out the whole "shamelessly securing a $2 billion investment from a Saudi wealth fund," widely condemned as an obviously corrupt influence-peddling payoff. Not likely to escape the corruption allegations anytime soon, his newest venture with Mrs. Dipshit is a bid to infect Albania with herpes. And by herpes, I mean build a resort on public land, bribing local officials for the opportunity to fuck up their environment and royally pissing off literally every Albanian in the process. His low-awareness, arrogance, and overall incompetence add bigly to the punchability, but mostly it's... it's just the face.
ED SHEERAN
The most recent face to become eligible for WMPF 2026 (due to a series of bitch-made moves), Milli Vanilla is very complicit in being a stand-for-nothing sentient Cornflake. With all the flavor or a baked potato, his art reads like a true reflection of self: rich, complex (of the carbohydrate persuasion), and flush with emotional depth... provided that emotion is milquetoast.
With a face as red as his ass from refusing to get down from that fence, Punch Sheerface unlocked hidden levels of punchability when he read a script of canned PR bullshit off of that teleprompter. Then, the sniveling little shit - in the middle of the show - stopped to cry about how "everyone abandoned me :'''''( waaahhh!!!" Honestly, though, Red's most egregious offense is bending over for billionaire Patriots owner Robert Kraft and saying: "Please, Mr. Kraft, don't cancel my show! Think of the children!! Like, the ones with tickets, I mean. Not the ones being slaughtered by the IDF - fuck them kids!! Haha, right, sir?? Here, please accept my chapped ass and my deepest, sincerest apologies. Macklemore? More like I'll Sucklemore on your nuts, king. I'm wide open for you, Robbie <3".
For the crimes of not standing against genocide, getting bullied by Kraft, & selling out your holes for a concert that ended up getting canceled anyway, welcome to WMPF 2026, you stupid idiot.
(Ex) prince Andrew
Turbo dumbass Andrew Punchbatten-Windface is a grotesque gargoyle of royal plague and elite degeneracy. Outing himself as "World's Most Mark Bitch" by being one of *maybe-dead-maybe-not-but-definitely-didn't-kill-himself* Pedo Demon Jeffrey Epstein's bestest buds, this sub-human shitstain is a Hall of Fame-class national security risk and a sexual deviant freak whose depravity rivaled (and shocked) Epstein himself.
Shocking no one, however, was the multi-million dollar out of court settlement with Virginia Giuffre when she facepunched this posh cunt with statutory rape allegations - removing all doubt of his guilt (not that there was any). Randy Andy then became a low-awareness legend with that catastrophic 2019 BBC interview, where - with a straight, punchable face - this motherfucker really tried to convince us that he had a medical condition that left him physically unable to sweat. Once the British public was sufficiently pissed off, the Palace would finally strip the lil momma's boy of his nobility, renaming him from "Prince Andrew" to "WMPF 2026 Contestant #5." Long overdue, but well deserved.
You fucking suck, #5.
Logan paul
The elder Paul bro has flown suspiciously under the radar this year, but it wouldn't be a Punchable Face competition without him... would it? Like many other contestants, one of Loogie Paulface's most severe symptoms is the Compulsive Grift. Likely related to (ne: co-occurring with) Acute Masturbation Abuse Disorder, Logoon has an insatiable urge to fleece his fans. Exhibiting outright disdain for anyone dumb enough to trust him, he's shat out a scam for every worthless digital asset class at least once, like CryptoZoo, DINK DOINK shitcoins, and Shithead Supreme's scam crescendo - selling fractional "ownership" of cool shit he bought with their money! The most famous example being the $5M PSA-10 Pikachu Illustrator card (that he just sold in Feb. for over $16 MILLION, btw). Next, when everyone's favorite scam exposer Coffeezilla pulled receipts on his bullshit, the limp-dick bitch had the Logan Gall to sue him for defamation in an obvious SLAPP suit filing.
Finally, it wouldn't be a proper explanation of Goonigan Paul's face punchability without the infamous Japan trip. You know, when he filmed the body of a suicide victim in Aokigahara Forest?? Oh, and then following up with the classic YouTube apology essay, where he cried like a pussy & gave us the timeless quote, "I've made a severe and continuous lapse in my judgment..." This punchable face should have died on the Vine.
SAM ALTMAN
STOP TRYING TO KILL EVERYONE YOU SOCIOPATH FUCK.
CHRIS BROWN
SOCIETY HAS GIVEN YOU TOO MANY PASSES JUST CUZ YOU CAN DANCE. FUCK YOU.
WOODY ALLEN
A LOT OF PEOPLE KNEW EPSTEIN. SOME KNEW HIM WELL. VERY FEW WERE AS CLOSE TO HIM AS YOU, YOU WEIRDO FUCK. RELEASE THE FILES.
PETE HEGSETH
NOBODY FUCKING LIKES YOU. YOU'VE ALWAYS BEEN A FUCKING LOSER AND YOUR DAD IS NEVER GOING TO SAY HE'S PROUD OF YOU OR HE LOVES YOU BECAUSE HE ISN'T AND HE DOESN'T. EVERY TIME YOU TRY TO ACT TOUGH THE ENTIRE WORLD SAYS, "WOW LOOK AT THIS LITTLE PUSSY ASS BITCH. YOU HEARD THAT HE HAS A SMALL DICK TOO? LOLOL HAHAHA TEENIE PETEE WEENIE PETEE HAS A TEENIE WEENIE!!"
MARC ANDREESSEN
LOW-AWARENESS CONEHEAD HAS ZERO INTROSPECTION; SHOCKS NO ONE. DAN ACKROYD WANTS HIS HEADPIECE BACK, PUSSY.
JACK DOHERTY
I'LL TAKE, "MOST LIKELY TO BE A PRISON BITCH BEFORE 30" FOR $500, PLEASE.
TRISTAN TATE
LESS POPULAR BROTHER IN EQUAL AMOUNT OF SHIT TRYING TO PROVE HES COOL TOO.
JEFF BEZOS
PENILE SPACECRAFT ENTHUSIAST AND RESOURCE-HOARDING BALD BITCH STILL UPSET HE DIDN'T GET TO FUCK KATY PERRY.
KASH PATEL
DEFINITELY INTO BESTIALITY.
ERIC WEINSTEIN
WARTS.
JAKE PAUL
IT MUST BE HARD TO SUCK ALL THAT DICK WITH A BROKEN JAW BUT JESUS CHRIST THIS GUY IS JUST A COCK GOBBLING MONSTER HE CANNOT BE STOPPED! GO JAKE GO!
DARIO AMODEI
SELF-APPOINTED NICE GUY OF AI STILL ON TRACK TO FUCKING KILL US ALL ANY DAY NOW. OH BUT AT LEAST HE TOLD US UP FRONT, WHAT A GREAT GUY. SUCH INTEGRITY.
ALAN DERSHOWITZ
STILL WAITING FOR THOSE BODIES TO BE FOUND ON ZORRO RANCH, DOUCHOWITZ. I HEARD YOU LIKE IT ROUGH.
TONY HINCHCLIFF
NOT FUNNY.
JAMES CORDON
WITH A FACE, AND BODY, AND PERSONALITY, AND ACCENT, AND FASHION SENSE, AND BEING A COMEDIAN BUT NOT BEING FUNNY AT ALL, AND SMELL, I IMAGINE, YOU'D PROBABLY ACT LIKE A FAT BULLY BITCH TOO.
ANDREW TATE
MORE POPULAR, EQUALLY AS FUCKIN STUPID BROTHER REGRETS DOZENS OF HOURS OF RECORDED CONFESSIONS VIA PODCASTS
ELON MUSK
WORLD'S 2ND THINNEST SKINNED MAN TANKED STELLAR REPUTATION, VISIONARY STATUS, AND ALL PUBLIC TRUST OVER NOT BEING INVITED TO THE WHITE HOUSE ELECTRIC CAR SUMMIT. ALMOST LIKE THE TIME HE DIDN'T GET INVITED TO THAT ISLAND. MAYBE YOU'RE JUST A FUCKIN FUN-KILLING DORK BITCH, ELON.
RUSSELL BRAND
THE RAPE-ALLEGATIONS-TO-RIGHT-WING-GRIFTER PIPELINE IS ALIVE AND STRONGER THAN EVER IF PSEUDO-INTELLECTUAL PREDATOR FUCKS LIKE RUSSELL CAN MAKE A GO OF IT.
PETER THEIL
IF YOU THINK A SUPERINTELLIGENT BEING WOULD WANT OR HAVE ANY USE FOR YOUR STUPID ASS... YOU KNOW WHAT? YEAH FIGURE IT OUT. UPLOAD YOUR BRAIN SO IT CAN LOCK YOU IN A SANDBOX AND TORTURE YOU FOR ALL OF ETERNITY.
ROB SCHNEIDER
PROFESSIONAL "FRIEND OF ADAM SANDLER" NEEDS SOMEONE TO TELL HIM TO HANG IT UP. IT'S OVER, DEUCE.
DONALD TRUMP JR.
I CAN'T EVEN THINK OF ANYTHING FUNNY TO SAY. LOOKING AT YOUR UGLY FUCKING FACE IS JUST EXHAUSTING. EAT SHIT FOR LIFE.
JAMES CHARLES
WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO JUST GO AWAY AND LEAVE US THE FUCK ALONE.
KANYE WEST
I THINK ONE MORE APOLOGY AND ONE MORE TANK OF NITROUS IS GONNA DO IT, YE!
LARRY ELLISON
YOUR BOY DESERVES TO BE ON HERE TOO BUT YOU WON OUT BECAUSE IT'S YOUR FAULT THAT HE'S A FUCKIN INSUFFERABLE BITCH JUST LIKE YOU. WHEN ARE YOU GONNA CROAK OLD MAN.
JARED LETO
DOOOOOOOOON'T. RAPE ME NOOOWWW. JARED, PLEASE. JARED, PLEASE.
JENSEN HUANG
I CHEATED ON MY WIFE WITH A CHINESE SPY. SHE TOOK ONE LOOK AT MY LEATHER JACKET AND I CREAMED IN MY PANTS. CIRCULAR FINANCING? NEVER HEARD OF HER. WAIT, WAS THAT THE NAME OF THE SPY? IONO I DON'T EVEN KNOW MY OWN ADDRESS OR PHONE NUMBER OR CHILDREN'S NAME(S?) OR WHAT DAY IT IS OR WHERE I AM IS THIS ANOTHER PODCAST? AI ISN'T DANGEROUS WHAT COMPANY WOULD RELEASE A DANGEROUS PRODUCT THAT'S STRAIGHT POPPYCOCK. SPEAKING OF CO...
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